Finding ‘Me Time’ as a Parent

By Luke Baynes

If you’re like most people, becoming a parent is the single most life-altering event you’ll ever experience.

At the time, your wedding day might have seemed like the biggest life changer – the day when you and your spouse ceased being two separate people and became one couple. But after the honeymoon was over and the thank you cards had been mailed, what really changed? You still went out to dinner together on Friday nights, still went to the movies when a good picture was showing and still enjoyed the occasional drink with friends. Perhaps you’d already been living together during the engagement, sharing in the household responsibilities, and the wedding vows just made the arrangement official.

But once the stork pays you a visit, everything is different. The sleepless nights, the endless diapers, the worrisome doctor visits. A trip to the grocery store is suddenly a big ordeal with baby on board.

Days often pass slowly, but years almost always pass quickly when you’re a parent. In a flash they’re feeding themselves, tying their own shoes, walking home from school alone.  Before you know it, they’re teenagers and you’re driving them to soccer games or picking them up from music lessons. And as you sit in traffic while shuttling them to and fro, a memory of those emancipated pre-parent days might taunt you with the elusive sway of irrecoverable time.

But does it have to be that way? Might it be possible to maintain a separate “single” identity apart from being a spouse and a parent? Don’t you deserve it?

“I’ve heard of the ‘you deserve it’ concept and think it’s a fine idea, but I’ve never met anyone who has actually pulled it off,” said Susan Skeels, whose two children are now grown. “Unless you count half an hour in the bathroom by yourself.”

Skeels was only half kidding. Finding time for yourself when you’re a parent can be difficult. Difficult, but not impossible.

“I think it’s the politically correct thing to do to kind of be a martyr to your kids,” said Kathy Erickson, whose children are 13 and 17. “If kids are teens, I think parents do have more time, because teens want to be with their friends,” she added, suggesting that parents sometimes use their kids as an excuse for not taking the initiative and pursuing their own interests.

Williston residents Karen and Bruce Allen said that a certain degree of “me time” is essential to being a good parent and maintaining a sense of balance in one’s life.

“I think ‘me time’ is making sure that you don’t totally sacrifice yourself for everyone else – that you matter also,” said Karen Allen. “I try to exercise every day. That’s my time. I’m alone in the basement, watching the TV while I’m on the treadmill, and if I don’t have that I get very cranky.”

Bruce Allen agreed that exercise is vital and said it helps if your interests overlap with those of your kids.

“Exercise gives you a break, but it’s sometimes hard to manage with three kids,” he said. “With coaching I’m donating my time, but I’m also out there running with the kids, so I can get in an hour or an hour and a half of exercise.”

Marcy Kass and Brant Dinkin, neighbors of the Allens, like to get away by swimming at Indian Brook Reservoir in Essex. They refer to it as “our favorite place on Earth.” But they noted that there is an important distinction between taking time for yourself in the natural course of living and running away from a problem with your child.

“Sometimes when I feel like I need to get away from my teen, what I really need to do is spend more time with her. It’s like I’m not appreciating her,” Kass said.

“If you’re going through something that’s challenging or difficult and you’re not dealing with it, you might want to get away. But if you deal with it head-on, you might still want to get away, but you’re not running away,” Dinkin said. “I’ve found that meditation has really helped me. You’re not running away from anything. You’re just there.”

Meditation might be the ultimate form of “me time” – a retreat into the innermost recesses of the psyche – yet it’s but one of many ways to take time for yourself.

“I think you have to grab anything you can,” said Karen Allen, who manages to squeeze in harp lessons despite having three boys – ages 5, 10 and 16.

So whether it be as involved as a weekend retreat at a spa or as simple as curling up with a good book, it is important for parents to take some time for themselves.

And for anyone feeling too stressed out, busy or even guilty about such “me time,” just remember:

You deserve it.