Coping with an empty nest

By Luke Baynes

You knew this moment would come eventually, but still it seems too soon.

You’d almost forgotten about it in the rush of packing – then unpacking – the station wagon. But now the room has been filled with familiar remnants from home – a lamp, a computer, a poster – and the time has come. The goodbye.

You step forward. A hug for mom, a firm handshake followed by a backslapping embrace for dad. You want to cry, but you hold it in. As you walk away down the dormitory hall, a thought occurs to you: could it be that your parents had this same combination of pride and grief when they dropped you off at college? Are these feelings universal?

Dr. David Fassler, Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Vermont’s College of Medicine, suggests that although emotions will vary by parent, there is a common sense of loss akin to grief that often accompanies the pride of seeing a child leave home.

“Parents often have a range of emotions and reactions when a child leaves for college,” Fassler said. “It’s normal for feelings of pride, hope and anticipation to be mixed with a sense of sadness and loss.

“For most young people, college means increased independence and an important step on the transition to adulthood. However, for parents, it represents a significant change in the structure, relationships and dynamics of the home and family.”

For South Burlington residents Brian and Cindy Shuman, the emotions that welled up after they dropped their daughter, Alexx, at Bard College were unexpected – and intense.

“That moment, I remember it distinctly, thinking, ‘This is insane, I can’t stop crying,’” said Brian Shuman. “I never wailed like that before. It was one of the strangest moments I’ve ever experienced. One part of your mind says you hope she’ll be back, and the other part says God forbid she comes back, because she’s supposed to go.”

The moment was equally difficult for the Shumans’ other daughter, Meika, who was 6 at the time.

“I wished I had her bunk bed. I was so sad that (my parents) bought me balloons,” she said, recalling that it took a full year before she fully adjusted to not having her big sister around.

Jenny Lyle of Williston said that she used up all her tears before her daughter even left for college, so when the moment of parting came, she was left with nothing but feelings of nervous excitement and pride.

“It’s truly the biggest letting go that you do as a parent. I cried a lot before she left. It was almost like grieving,” she said. “I think I expected to really cry hard when we dropped her off, but it just felt like the right place for her, and she was so excited and so ready that it was a good feeling.”

Her husband, Tom Lyle, noted that advances in technology have made it easier to stay connected with a child in college, compared to the days when he was an undergrad and the only way to communicate with family was by letter or by waiting in line for the hall phone.

“Our preferred way of talking to her is through Skype, so we can actually see her,” he said, offering this piece of advice for parents with college-bound kids: “Have a plan to keep busy.”

A plan is just what Waterbury resident Lisa Pitrowiski is in the process of formulating. A divorced mother of three, she’ll soon be an empty nester when her youngest daughter – who spent part of her summer hiking the wilds of Wyoming with guides from the National Outdoor Leadership School – departs for the University of Vermont in the fall.

“You come home and you turn on the TV and you sit, and there’s no noise in the house. I think because it’s so new and fresh, I’m still in that stage of like, ‘What do I do with my life now?’” Pitrowiski said. “This is the first summer in 22 years that I haven’t had kids home. You spend your whole life caring for them and catering your life to their life, so when you don’t have that anymore, you really have to find your own purpose.”

If Pitrowiski can be taken as a representative case of a mother in the early stages of the college blues, then she and all parents can take comfort in Fassler’s observation that “most parents eventually adjust and adapt successfully.” Cindy Shuman – who was once “counting the days until parents’ weekend,” – settled into the comfortable knowledge that her little girl is now a grown-up.

“For a good two or three months, I kept setting the table for four. And now she comes home and I only set it for three,” she remarked, providing a neat illustration of the age-old proverb that time heals all wounds.

Even those left by our children.